Rumble Strip

This is my first post since living in Pakistan, although I have been here since April. I have been busy taking in all of the crazy life around me that i don't think I stopped to precess it until I left the country. It is funny how it hits like that. I went to Londo to take a hostile envirionment course (cause Pakistan is on the top three most dangerous places to live according to the state dept list). And from there I hoped on a plane back to the good old united states of america. little culture shock. mainly about how well things work. or at least efficiantly. you put the ticket in the machine, the handle swings, you pass, hop on the train and smmothly and quietly arive at your destination. that was enough to really throw me for a a few days. and so i am back here but only for a few days. Friday I am going to Turkey to see my sister and mom. i am getting to see the world.

we have had a change of destination. actually a lot has changed in the past month. not the least of which is my name. i still get stuck typing it. i get stuck typing a lot of stuff as you can see, but this one is definitely tougher and everyone asks me where the name is from. huh? nobody ever asked where my namewas from before. it just was. this name for some reason really evokes the need for genealogy. i guess i better update the files. and so for other news. we are going to pakistan. as i have discussed before (i think) nicholas received a fellowship to go take a "cultural bath" as they say in the institute (the institute for current world affairs) and the destination was tehran, but with the new president in office, that doesn't seem like it is going to happen. at least not any time soon. so we rethought some stuff and nick turned his focus to pakistan. i started to read “ghost wars” and try to get a feel for a place that i know very little about. we have contacted every pakistani in a 100 mile radius and we are trying to get the dirt on the country. the culture. what is safe. what’s not. what i can wear and what i can't. and i think that he will leave in january and then maybe i will head there in february. who knows. i am excited at the prospect of traveling all throughout the area. i hope that it is not too far fetched for me to think that i can. once when i was 16 and going to a concert in camden, new jersey, i remember telling my father that i was going to catch a ride up with some kids and get there around 2 in the afternoon. he asked what i planned to do with myself for 7 hours before the show started. ..and not wanting to delve too deep into the lot scene with my dad, i said that maybe i would window shop around the harbor. in camden? he asked. you are going to window shop in camden? i haven't lived that one down and even as i mentioned this adventure he cocked his head and reminded me not to window shop in camden.

i am trying to work today. there is a stack of charts, six deep that i should be writing my notes in.  but my mind doesn't want to work today.  the last thing that i can process is how many grams of carbohydrate a 260 pound thirteen year old should have.

my hand keeps tracing the scratch down my chin. and i can feel the bruise on my cheek bone. especially when i cup my hand over my mouth in the same manner that i can picture his.

i stop writing here and chart for a second. .. thinking that if i could just focus on my work i could push the other thoughts from my head.  plus if i don't get through some of these i will never get to leave and go home and curl up under my down comforter.

its right now when i really wish that nikolas was here. 

last night when i was walking home after having a beer with some friends, a guy came up behind me and covered my mouth with his huge black hands and pulled me down this alley.  an alley that i have walked past a thousand times. its my alley.  my block.  my neighborhood.  i am safe here.

thank god his window was open.  thank god i made enough noise.  and thank god he yelled.

standing in his doorway, i was crying and thinking about what might have happened if he had gone to bed at ten that night.  then sitting at his table drinking some water and talking about his little dog and his art work while i iced my chin.  just. thank god.

 

 

if i am going to be able to find a grant to do the things that i am think about in iran, then i need to start thinking now.  i want to be able to make the most of my time there and try to see out what is available here.   which is quite a lot really.

i think that the first step is to establish exactly what i want.

1. i want to provide a space for women to create art

2.  provide material to create with

3. provide a space to display the art, both in iran and in the usa

4. provide a forum for women to discuss their concerns and their dreams and sort through their hurdles

thats a good enough start for today.

yesterday was a big day in the whole process of everything.  by that i mean, i scheduled my lasik surgery, got my hair cut and hightlighted, found a psychologist and got all the wording down for the programs and the invites.

and then i had done too much and just sat around all night flipping through already flipped through bridal magazines,  really you only need to go through it once and rip out what you like, then its done.  i started on the just in case routine though.   i need to not do that too much, cause really there is no time for those kinds of days. 

now is the time for me to try to find out lots of information about starting a center for women in Iran.  I would like to see what I can do to get as conected as possible and gather those precious resources so that while I am there i might be able to make a space.   maybe an art space.  i played with the idea of sending the art from women there to Elyse in new york.  we could find a gallery.  i don't know if that is the best thing.  but something.  something to increase exposure. and to build confidence and allow girls a place that they feel cool and able able to express themselves.

i really think that it might be possible.

 

ii envision a place with music and some computers, maybe some coffee.  a daily yoga class. and lots of brainstorming.  i am not even sure if that is what the girls and women would like.   maybe they want something very different then that.  i supose that is what i will need to figure out there.   for now i should figure out what is available here.

 

  

a count down has begun.  actually it started in june.  but now we are down to one hand.  somewhere between four and five months. yes!

and nick leave for  the stans soon.  sometime this week, or weekend, or next week.  it seems that tickets are not the definite in the stans.  i  think that i should get used to that and be really flexible with my countdown.

my sister is home from the icu.  most things are done with the wedding planning, farsi class is finished until october.  so it is like the calm in the center of the storm.  i know that soon enough it will be crazy, and I am unsure which direction to face to best brace myself to the winds.  maybe i should just enjoy the calm for a little.

i am reading the alchemist again because i would like a passage read at the wedding, i am just not sure which one.  The whole story about following ones personal legend is wonderful and i would love that theme to be a part of the wedding and our trip. at times i am quite sure that i am doing that.  i think that traveling and seeing the world and experiencing everything that i can is my personal legend.  but sometimes it is hard to know.  especially when it feels that i am not currently doing that.  working at the hospital is hardly seeing the world, but there must be lulls in order to have waves, right?

so i count it down and try to listen to my heart talking.  i think that it is talking.
and maybe today i will send hot sauce to my friends in chili.  apparently there is a shortage of hot sauce there. 
maybe someday that too could be in my book.  stuff that makes no sense.
that and temporary marriages in the land of prudishness.

i haven't been writing here at all.  and therefore not using this for what i had originally intended. . as a space to clear my thoughts and sort through them, to kind of process all that is going on around me. and lately is seems there is a lot to process.
   to add to everything . .i spent the last few days in the icu at fauquier memorial hospital.  i was lucky enough not to be the one hooked up to all of the tubes and vents and suctions, but as the nurse pointed out, there were times that it seemed it was harder on my mom and I watching the whole thing then it was for my sister in the bed.  at least she wouldn't remember the majority of it.
 though, that did prove to be the scariest part for her.
 to be fine, standing in the lobby of the holiday inn express one minute, and then wake up in full restraints, on a ventilator, fighting for and against everything.  it took 6 of us to hold her down.  two huge security guards, two nurses, my mom, and i.  to calm her down they completely sedated her and stuck a breathing tube down into her lungs.  she fought it the whole way and every time they tried to wean her from the dilaudid, an extremely strong sedative intended to completely shut down ones body, san the heart,  she would buck and kick and reach for the tubes that were scraping the sides of there throat and lungs.  this horrific cycle went on and on, about 5 or 6 rounds.  and finally we had had too much of watching it.  i ask the nurse, in  my super impatient manner to kindly remove it or i would.  we battled.  but it did come out.  and that was the end of the restraints and the ngt tube set on intermittent suction to remove the blood that was leaking from her raw chewed tongue, draining down into her stomach. 
the color slowly returned to her face.  the results of the eeg came back.  she seemed fine.  there was little to explain the seizures except the head injury form last year.  but the doctor reported that it was enough.  a subdural hematoma certainly could result in seizures, even a year and a half later.
the more we though about it  the worse it seemed: the driver, 2 dui's, under his belt might have his license before she would be able to drive.  in nj one must be seizure free for one year before being permitted to drive. it just angered us, and left my sister teary and unsure.  the fog from the drugs had a delayed reaction and now had her feeling confused and slow.

last night, three days after the seizure she went home.  my mom said she slept the whole way and that she was very happy to get into her own bed.

sometimes you are sure that you are in control. you  know that  you are driving the car.  yesterday, the car was driving me.

 i think that i may have regained some control here.  i woke up early this morning and organized my life a little.
maybe it is because i have not been writing.  or maybe it is because i lost my planner.

for any number of reasons i have been a bit of a whirling dervish.
but some big decisions have been made.
as for the wedding. . .
we picked a spot. a vineyard in delaplane virginia
and a photographer.  from london.
and a venue for the rehersal dinner. frogs and friends
even a dress. and hotel and caterer.

so it is going smoothly and farsi class is terrific.
i really enjoy the learning adn the writing which is more like dancing.  with no pressure.
with spanish i am expected to know things and understand conversations simply because i have taken years of it. 
with farsi, i listen and then try to logically sound it out. and it works.
it is only two classes in.  who knows what class number three will be like.

so i am finally getting this thing up and moving. i think that it might be a way for me to process all that is going on in my life right now. the swirling excitement that is building. maybe it can be my own rumble strip. to slow me down and let me appreciate all that is happening around me.

first off. living in dc. biking around. working and taking some art classes. that is exciting enough. then add a trip to iran and a wedding to the mix. well now thats some excitement.

so this is to sort through all of that. hash out exactly what is going on in my head as i am preparing to live in a country. . .that i know very little about . . . for two years. i have been trying to read what i can to piece together how life might be, but really that is someone elses reality, and i am having a hard time imagining my own.

i am extremely excited. it is an amazing opportunity. this is my mantra, i repeat it when i am nervous, when i think about the things that i will miss. bike rides and sundresses. and drinking margaritas, extra salt, in the sun on a tuesday afternoon. my family. the beach. tasting wine at a vineyard.

but removing myself from my comfort zone is something that i strive for. this will be a huge exercise in just that.